September 30th - A challenging day
October 1, 2024This might end up being a long post but it will have nothing to do with politics or Halloween.
Today is and will always be one of the hardest days in my life. Today, 34 years ago, I lost a best friend, a roommate, a brother and his family lost a son and his future ended in a helicopter crash off the coast of Oregon. Many of my AW brothers were there and pleading to go into the water to try and assist but were denied. I can only imagine the frustration with that as we were Rescue Swimmers, trained to put our lives in danger so others may live. That is who we were then and I feel many of us are still that way today.
I was on my way to Desert Shield, something that would also affect me, but this crash and the loss of my best friend and two other friends, has deeply impacted me to this day. I was a young, just turned 22 year old, who knew he was invincible and was going to live forever, when I was pulled out of the aviation space onboard the ship and waked to the back of the flight deck. There I was told about the accident and that everyone onboard was killed. Knowing how our friendship was throughout the squadron, it was hesitantly mentioned after a bit of a pause that the AW onboard was Bill, Nick, Nolte. I look back at that moment so many times and think I how I handled getting the news. Even to this day I do not think I could have adequately handled it or received it that would have made the moment any less true or more real. I was completely numb and in shock and therefore had very little emotional response or feelings at that very moment. All those came soon after and often flooded me with guilt, response guilt and survivor guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, depression and a hole in my life that would never go away.
So today, 34 years later, my memory is still full of this tragic day and my life has never been the same. I lost a part of me that day. Perhaps it was the feeing of invincibility and immortality and as young kid, I was shown that somethings will affect you with much greater impacts than you ever realized or even understood. I had to hide a lot of my hurt and pain, bury it deep because once you let those thoughts in, you lose the edge and this is coming from always living in the edge in the helicopter community. You know the risks associated with it and know you may not come home one night or one mission. It’s a small knit family and you always felt the pain and angst when a helicopter went down and hope for the best. You may not even know the people involved but they became close at that moment. So I had to hold everything down for years because again, you couldn’t let weakness show because you were then cast in a different light. I know this happened because there were people who allowed their “weakness” to show and we criticized and harassed them. It wasn’t right but that’s what happened and I realized it later and I know the military has changed a lot since then and some will say even softened up a bit, but hopefully everyone can get a sense that we are all human and have flaws and weaknesses but we also have strengths and shining points.
So essentially, I am finally getting help for all the memories, pain, suffering in silence, guilt, depression, anxiety and long list of other issues I’ve dealt with since this day in 1990. Yes, I am pulling the curtain back and revealing the real me. No memes, no politics, no Halloween, no nothing but the pure, raw Bill. It’s never too late to get help for yourself and try to work with instead of against your past issues. I know I’ve isolated myself from a lot of people, friends and family members because of all this that has changed me from 34 years ago. I am trying to change who I am and be more “out there” so if any of you feel you’re going through similar issues in life, reach out to me. I will try to be there with you.
And as the last thought of today, here I am with Bill during SAR jumps in June of 1990. My last pic with him and this is his headstone from Minnesota. Rest well brother. You’re never forgotten.
Posted by Bill Bickford.